Why won’t Mrs. Ashton Kutcher poop in the back yard?

by Shari on December 14, 2014

I never got around to making the birth announcement, but in case you weren’t invited to the shower (with best high pressure shower head), here she is!

“Look into my big brown eyes. Good. You are now my emotional prisoner.”

Her name is Mila Kunis, for reasons that are obvious.

We rescued her a few months ago, and we all love her. Well, most of us, anyway.

“Feel the weight of my hatred, Mila Kunis.”

Of course, as any mother will tell you, a child tends to try to live up to the name that has been bestowed upon her. Therefore, Mila Kunis is 100% movie starlet. She has single-handedly put to rest the myth that dogs only see in black and white, because it’s obvious this baby is visualizing red carpets wherever she goes.

The most frustrating manifestation of her rich girl personality is a complete lack of comprehension that the back yard is her powder room. I have to drag her out there on a leash and then the conversation goes something like this (to get the full picture, imagine Mila Kunis’ voice as a cross between a vat of melted butter and the tinkle of freaking fairy bells):

ME: What is wrong with you, idiot dog? Go potty!

“Oh, you amuse me so. Pray tell, what is this ‘potty’ you speak of with such passion?”

ME: It’s cold out here! Will you just do something!

“But I am doing something. I am playing the naif, thus rendering you powerless against my defecation on the fluffy bath rug indoors ten minutes from now.”

ME: I don’t get it! Didn’t they house train you at all where you used to live?!

“Where I used to live? You mean, Heaven?”

It took us a full two months and a number of bath mats to discover that the reason Mrs. Kutcher wouldn’t poop in the back yard is because there’s no grass. We live in the city, the back yard is the size of a double bed, and nothing grows there except slugs and despair. The minute we took her to the park with its lush greenery, she assumed the squatted heiny position we’d been begging for with tears. However, did I mention that our back yard is six inches outside the back door and the park is four blocks away and there’s nothing in between those two locations except concrete?

Set-up: Did we adopt a high-maintenance Hollywood pug?

Punchline: Does Mila Kunis crap in the woods?

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

James Christian Jr December 14, 2014 at 3:59 am

File for December 13th, 2014

- Fed at 7:00am.
- 2 #1′s on grass at Park at 7:30am. In cage afterwards.
- Out of cage at 10:15 for walk. Grass was green an in light. Only another 2 #1′s.
- #2 on 2nd floor there after!

{sigh!}

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Shari December 15, 2014 at 10:15 pm

You’re a saint, James.

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James Christian Jr December 16, 2014 at 1:37 am

My bill in in the mail.

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Annette December 14, 2014 at 4:37 am

If Mila Kunis craps in the woods and no one’s there to smell it, does it stink?

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Shari December 15, 2014 at 10:16 pm

You’re so deep.

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James Christian Jr December 16, 2014 at 1:37 am

{giggle!}

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MariaTeresa Sewilam December 14, 2014 at 9:22 am

Replant grass. She is Hollywood!!!

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Shari December 15, 2014 at 10:17 pm

Ah, the reason for our happiness, ladies and gentlemen! Maria is the one who found the starlet for us. Despite the occasional smellgift, we love her and salute you, oh giver of pugs!

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James Christian Jr December 16, 2014 at 1:39 am

Thank you, Maria!

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Kristin December 14, 2014 at 6:28 pm

This would be just my luck, if I had a dog. Which, I don’t, because I can’t get past the very unpleasant thought of going outside at roughly 6am. In the snow. Or rain. Or sunshine, for that matter. But I really, really want a dog.

Btw, Mila Kunis has never looked so cute.

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Shari December 15, 2014 at 10:18 pm

I dub thee, a cat person.

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Darrin December 14, 2014 at 6:29 pm

I vote Yes! If Mila Kunis craps in the woods it does stink regardless of the attendance…and since she is a movie star it stinks like roses!

My solution would be a patch of artificial turf with a white picket fence with a small gate labeled Mila Kunis’s Poop Spot!

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Shari December 15, 2014 at 10:19 pm

What a beautiful image, Darrin. We will have birds singing as well.

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MAMA ROSE December 15, 2014 at 6:13 am

ALL I CAN SAY IS – I TOLD YOU SO. THATS A PUG FOR YA. EVERY TIME CHANDY AND SHILLING CAME TO MY HOUSE THEY LEFT THEIR CALLING CARDS (OF STINK). METHINKS THE PARENTS SPOIL THEIR PUPS. HA

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Shari December 15, 2014 at 10:19 pm

Yes, Mama Rose, you are right. You are always right. Heavy sigh.

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James Christian Jr December 16, 2014 at 1:40 am

MAMA JAMMA!!

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