When Moms Console (with bonus inner monologue)

by Shari on July 9, 2013

Locale: My in-laws’ home in the woods of so-Northern-Maine-it’s-almost-Canada

Players: 2 old Filipinos, screaming daughter, consoling mother, and a freakin’ bat

Time: Night. When freakin’ bats wake up and fly into old Filipinos’ homes in the woods of so-Northern-Maine-it’s-almost-Canada

Scene!

Mother-in-law: OH! A bird just flew into the house!

Father-in-law: That is not a bird, it is a bat–(stops himself, but not soon enough)

Daughter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Mother: It’s okay, honey, don’t be scared! (Inner Monologue: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”)

Father-in-law: It won’t hurt you, sweetie.

Mother:  He’s right, it won’t hurt you. (“IT’S TOTALLY GOING TO ATTACK!!!!“)

Freakin’ bat dive-bombs us.

Daughter: It’s trying to get me!

Mother: No, no… (“YES!!! YES!!!”)

Father-in-law tries to hit freakin’ bat with a freakin’ fly swatter.

Mother: See? He’s going to get it out. (“ARE YOU CRAZY, OLD MAN?!! GET YOUR FREAKIN’ GUN!!!”)

Daughter: Don’t hit it! You’ll make it mad!

Mother: Oh, honey, bats don’t get mad. (“THEY GET EVEN!!!! BY BITING YOUR NECK AND SUCKING OUT ALL YOUR BLOOD!!!”)

Father-in law: I cannot get it. We will have to wait until morning.

Daughter: NOOOO!!!

Mother: NOOOO!!! Sorry… I mean… (“NOOO!!!”)

Father-in-law chases freakin’ bat upstairs. There is much crashing and banging, then silence.

Father-in-law: Okay! I pushed it out window!

Daughter: (crying) Are you sure?

Father-in-law: I’m sure!

Mother: Our hero! (“Please take me back to bat-free New Jersey.”)

 

************************************************************************

 

I’m In The Powder Room today with Reliving Pre-Teen Angst via The Slumber Party. Memories… haunt the corners of my mind…

Whose training bra should we put in the freezer?

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Darrin July 9, 2013 at 2:06 pm

Ok, well all I could think of in between the laughing and tears was the John Candy movie ‘The Great Outdoors’ in that one rather than a fly swatter the weapon of choice was a tennis Racquet!

..and a recent adventure that involved 4 cousins, 3 adults, a grandpa, hornets (in total 15 confirmed stings) and hornet’s nest, a pair of glasses, a swamp (where the pair of glasses stayed the night) full of frogs (that we never saw), a flaming torch of revenge and some dead bees! Let’s just say there was a lot of swatting, screaming and crying. As a my 6 yr old summed up “I was just freaking out, Man!”

Reply

Shari July 9, 2013 at 2:57 pm

That would have freaked me out too, Man. But I wish I’d had the flaming torch of revenge last night.

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Leigh Ann July 9, 2013 at 2:53 pm

Aaaaaaaaaauuuuggghhh! Yuck. Also, I am the mom who fled the scene when a wasp appeared, leaving her poor children to fend for themselves. But I only did it once. I’m proud to say that I was nice and calm the time I saw a wasp nest on the back of their bucket swing, while I was swinging one of them, WITH A WASP IN IT.

Reply

Shari July 9, 2013 at 2:57 pm

I am shuddering. Leigh Anne, do you hate nature as much as I do? Please say yes.

Reply

Estelle July 9, 2013 at 2:59 pm

Oh, another one knocked out of the park (or was that the bat):). Great scene, Shari. I needed the laugh this morning.
Estelle

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Shari July 9, 2013 at 3:09 pm

Thanks, Estelle. xxoo, The Bat Whisperer.

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Alexandra July 9, 2013 at 3:29 pm

I think my favorite part was you calling your in-laws Old Filipino’s. (wink)

Reply

Shari July 9, 2013 at 4:36 pm

Yes. Mine too. (wink back)

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Nancy Davis Kho July 9, 2013 at 9:22 pm

I am so glad you reacted that way. Remember when the bat flew into my office a few years ago, one sunny spring day? There was no child for whom I had to mute the inner dialog and it was remarkably like this, only shrieked, and with the F-bomb peppered throughout.

Are you SURE your father in law pushed it out? Or did he just tell you that? Just curious.

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Shari July 9, 2013 at 9:53 pm

I absolutely thought the same thing, Nancy, and was so certain that it was going to come back at any moment. But he was so proud, I figured he was telling the truth.

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meg gould July 11, 2013 at 1:51 pm

hello shari-
speaking for some filipinos, we really don’t mind bats so much….just make sure they do not have rabies :-)
love your blogg.

meg

Reply

dusty earth mother July 11, 2013 at 1:53 pm

HA! Yes, Meg, thank you for speaking for the Filipinos. Miss your basement! (inside joke, btw)

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meg July 14, 2013 at 12:02 pm

LOL!!! we have to connect for some adobo bats sometime in Palawan.

Reply

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