Crap At My Mother’s House, Volume 3

by Shari on July 31, 2013

Greetings from Koontz Lake, Indiana, and welcome to a very special edition of “Crap At My Mother’s House”!

While there are certainly enough clocks that sing obnoxious earworm tunes every hour on the hour and tacky kitschy knick-knacks for another regular edition, today we’re going to focus on a particular aspect of crap at Mama Rose’s house.

Edible crap.

Why, yes, that is a trash bag bursting with salty snacks in the middle of the kitchen floor for easy access. And if you look carefully, you’ll notice a limp trash bag next to it that once held an equal amount of Ruffle Max! Chips, Nacho Cheese Bugles and Lays Loaded Potato Skins but was consumed in squealing animal grunting salty snack orgies and left for dead.

This is known as Candy Drawer #1. Requirements of Candy Drawer #1 are a.) must be 100% corn syrup b.) must have 100% artificial colors and flavors, and c.) must have demeaning and yet strangely fetching names like “Dum-Dums”, “Trolls” and “Lemonheads”. I can already feel my teeth rotting from all this candy, I think Dr. Cooke, Raleigh Dentis, will be able to help me with that.

Candy Drawer #2. Requirements of Candy Drawer #2 are a.) must be a jelly bean.

Oh look, it’s the “Cracker Cavalcade”!

“Send Your Dentist’s Kids To Expensive Colleges” Corner!

Before you say, “Oh, our refrigerator has at least that many ice cream containers and boxes of popsicles”, keep in mind that this frozen confection section is four layers deep and no camera in the world can capture that amount of icy goodness. I am eating ice cream after undergoing dental implants meridian id surgery.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this special edition of “Crap At My Mother’s House”!

And hey, stop by tomorrow when I will chronicle our trip to the Albanese Candy Factory in Northwest Indiana.

I’m not kidding.

This is where we’re going tomorrow.

You know, if we fit in the car.

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

L.Hewitt July 31, 2013 at 10:11 pm

I’m on my way.


Shari July 31, 2013 at 11:27 pm

Please. Please come. For the Bugles.


Nancy Franson July 31, 2013 at 10:30 pm

You know, when I looked at Candy Drawer #1, my immediate thought was, “What? No Twizzlers?” So I was pretty relieved to scroll down and see they were well represented.

My mom stockpiles Twizzlers too. They’re just so darned cheap in the summer. Guess she figures it would be wrong not to buy them.

If I did a similar post, it would definitely include Miracle Whip. What in blazes is that stuff anyway?


Shari July 31, 2013 at 11:29 pm

Miracle Whip is the devil’s mayonnaise, Nancy. And just so you know, those are four packages of Chocolate Twizzlers. We’re more of a Red Vine family.


Candy August 1, 2013 at 12:42 pm

What? No chocolate?


Shari August 1, 2013 at 2:42 pm

I just couldn’t go there. Too scary.


Darrin August 1, 2013 at 1:27 pm

“Wow!……Wow!, no crap for you!” direct quote from this 42 yr old’s colon! (I do believe my colon was speaking figuratively and literally)

“is there enough gas in the car to make it to Indiana” direct quote from this 42 yr old’s brain that has not matured over the age of about 12.


Shari August 1, 2013 at 2:43 pm

I do love your 12-year old brain. But keep that colon far, far away from Mama Rose’s house.


Anna Lefler August 1, 2013 at 3:22 pm

OMG. Edible crap is the BEST.

*flosses teeth*



Shari August 2, 2013 at 1:57 am

I’ve been flossing since I got here, but I think I’m fighting a losing battle.


Nancy Davis Kho August 1, 2013 at 4:13 pm

WHERE IS MAMA ROSE’S HOUSE? I am coming. We have dentist appointments next month anyway, I’d like to give them something to work with.


Shari August 2, 2013 at 1:58 am

You’re so invited.


Kristin @ Keenly Kristin August 1, 2013 at 6:15 pm

*grabs address book, licks tip of pencil*

OK, so where exactly is this now?

I’ll bring my iPad for you to play with while I gorge myself on snacks. Then I’ll need the iPad back while I lie on the couch, moaning and rolling from side to side, like a turtle on its back. Except I’ll just be a bloated, gluttonous mess.


Shari August 2, 2013 at 1:59 am

From one bloated mess to another–*burp*.


Lady Jennie August 1, 2013 at 10:28 pm

I would like about 3 days in that house, after which I go far far away.


Shari August 2, 2013 at 2:00 am

Except I’m here for a week. Which is very, very dangerous.


Linda Roy August 1, 2013 at 11:52 pm

Oh my gawd – you’ve hit paydirt! That is a massive stash and my kids’ heads would explode from the excitement. Mama Rose is the best grandma ever. My grandma just had the same package of those waffly packing material cookies. Neopolitan. Yum. Miss you Grandma…every Christmas…when I’m at the UPS store packing something…


Shari August 2, 2013 at 2:01 am

That gave me a good chuckle, Linda.


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