Listen To Your Mother. And Ann Romano.

by Shari on March 7, 2013

I have resurfaced.

Because I know you check here every single day to see what brilliance hath flowed from my pen, you may have noticed that I haven’t been around much lately. But it’s for a good reason.

I have been deep in auditions and casting for Listen To Your Mother, the incredible showcase that will be performed on Mother’s Day, May 12, at Symphony Space in New York City and in 23 other cities on or around that date. If you’ve never heard of Listen To Your Mother, go here and breathe in the awesome.

We had nearly 80 women and men audition and could have cast the show ten different ways, but here are the remarkable 19 who will be reading this year. Hey, my name is in there! I cast myself! *Nepotism alert* Luckily, I can also thank Amy Wilson, Varda Steinhardt and Holly Rosen for the nod.

Our cast is very excited, to say the least. Marinka talked about it. Kizz talked about it. Stacy talked about it. And I talked about it. Just now. *Repetition alert*

Tickets are already on sale, so if you live anywhere near Manhattan and looking for something to do with your Mom on the big day, come on out. I guarantee big laughs, big tears and a lot of nodding heads, “I get it, I get it.”

In other news…

I felt a pang of sadness the other day when I heard that Bonnie Franklin died.

One Day at a Time” was such a part of my adolescence; what teenaged girl didn’t want to be Valerie Bertinelli? A love for Ann Romano and her tribe was something that I shared with the members of my old improvisation troupe The Sewer. (I can’t quite remember where we came up with that name, something about “underground comedy”, I imagine.)

In honor of Bonnie’s passing, I would like to include a portion of the “One Day at a Time” spoof I wrote for The Sewer, in which I did a mighty fine Ann Romano imitation, if I do say so myself.

The set-up is that the character of Larry is obsessed with 70′s sitcoms and one night he has a terrible nightmare in which he wakes up in Ann Romano’s apartment in 1977.

This one’s for you, Bonnie.

********

Larry is snoring. In black, we hear the theme music to “One Day at a Time”. Larry sits up in bed, startled. Ann, Barbara and Julie enter and act out the opening credits montage. Larry watches, bewildered.

ANN
Ah, my feet are killing me. Who would have thought that being a divorced woman with two teen-aged girls would take such a toll on the body?

Laugh track. Larry jumps, startled, and searches for the source of the laughter.

JULIE
Oh, Mom, that is so unfair! You would blame all your problems on us!

ANN
Aw, Julie!

BARBARA
Mom, Julie, stop it! I’ve got a dynamite new boyfriend coming over and you two are just going to run everything!

ANN
Aw, kids, let’s not fight. I already have a lot of harbored guilt about being a divorced woman with two teen-aged girls and when we fight, it just makes me feels rotten.

BARBARA AND JULIE
Sorry, Mom.

They hug. Audience soundtrack “Awwww….” Julie notices Larry.

JULIE
Mom! Who’s the guy in the pajamas?

Audience, “Ooooooh…”

LARRY
No–I–I’m not–

ANN
Well, girls, I’m not going to lie to you. This is the 70′s and I am a divorced woman, after all. Julie, Barbara, this is Larry.

LARRY
How did you know my–!

BARBARA
Mom! How could you?!

ANN
Aw, Larry, I didn’t want the girls to find out about us like this!

LARRY
Uh–listen, Miss–

ANN
Miss?!

LARRY
Uh…Ms.?

Audience laugh track. Larry looks startled that he has made a sitcom joke. Ann gives him a suggestive look.

ANN
Last night it was “Ann”. Remember?

LARRY
Listen, I don’t really understand what’s happening here, but I have to go.

Audience, “Oooooohhh…”

ANN
Ah… okay. No, that’s fine. Just let me ask you one thing–is it because I’m a divorced woman with two teen-aged girls?

LARRY
No! No, it’s just that–I’m married!

JULIE
Married?!

BARBARA
And I thought you were gonna be my new Dad!

Audience, “Awwwww….”

LARRY
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m failing everyone!

He runs for the door. Before he can get out, Schneider enters.

SCHNEIDER
Hey, Ms. Romanoooooo!

LARRY
Oh, no! God, no!

SCHNEIDER
A little birdie told me that one of you ladies had a sleep-over last night!

Audience laugh track

SCHNEIDER
Who’s the lucky broad?

Audience laugh track, louder

SCHNEIDER
Must be the gay divorcee!!

Audience laugh track and applause. Larry puts his hands over his ears.

LARRY
Oh, God, make it stop, make it stop!

ANN
Aw, Schneider, I’m not so lucky. Larry here is married.

SCHNEIDER
Married?! Why, I oughtta cream you, buddy!

Audience, “Ooooohhh…”

SCHNEIDER
I oughtta take you apart!

Audience applause

SCHNEIDER
I oughtta… use this!

He pulls out a gun

LARRY
Hey… hey! That’s a real gun!

SCHNEIDER
What did ya think I was gonna use, a toilet plunger?

Audience laugh track. Schneider hands gun to Ann, pushes Larry into a chair.

LARRY
Help! Help! Bonnie Franklin from “One Day at a Time” is going to shoot me!

ANN
You wish. That’s too quick and easy for slime like you. We’re gonna kill you the long, slow, torturous way. Girls!!

Julie and Barbara run in dressed as Elton John and Kiki Dee. Music starts for “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”. Larry screams.

LARRY
No! No! Anything but that!

JULIE AND BARBARA
(singing) “Don’t go breaking her heart… you wouldn’t if you knew… the punishment for this crime…. was that we’d sing to you…”

Lights go down on Larry screaming and screaming.

{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

suburbancorrespondent March 7, 2013 at 4:08 am

I must have watched that show more than I remember, because that entire skit made perfect sense to me.

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Shari March 7, 2013 at 1:01 pm

Okay, that comment just cracked me up. Thank you.

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The Flying Chalupa March 7, 2013 at 4:41 am

Congrats, congrats and more congrats, Shari! I wish I could see you in the NYC show – it’s going to be AMAZEBALLS. Yeah. I said it – you know you loved.

And Ann Romano? Say it ain’t so. Certainly that doesn’t mean we’re getting older?? (and great sketch xo)

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Shari March 7, 2013 at 1:02 pm

“Amazeballs” coming from you, Tarja, is like sweet honey from the rock.

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Nancy Franson March 7, 2013 at 1:24 pm

Good times, good times. Oh wait–that was a whole other sitcom.

Thanks for this. I think Bonnie’s death saddened many of us who spent so much time in her apartment with Julie and Barbara. Nice tribute.

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Shari March 7, 2013 at 2:00 pm

I knew you’d relate, Nancy.

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Kir March 7, 2013 at 2:12 pm

CONGRATULATIONS on LTYM Shari, I can’t wait to hear you read.

and I loved your skit, I was reading about Bonnie Franklin yesterday on the way home and thinking..”She did so much for women on television”, it’s a very sad loss, but your tribute was wonderful.

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Shari March 7, 2013 at 2:50 pm

Thank you, dear Keeeeeersten. xo

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Sara March 7, 2013 at 2:13 pm

Loved it, loved that show – love you!

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Shari March 7, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Love you back, Ms. C.

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Estelle March 7, 2013 at 3:12 pm

Shari,
Thanks for this wonderful tribute to Bonnie. I needed that-I have such fond memories watching her show-and yes, wanting to be-and look like- Barbara aka Valerie Bertinelli. Congrats on the great lineup for LTYM NYC. I plan to be there with bells on to support this year’s group.
Estelle

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Shari March 8, 2013 at 2:23 am

Thanks, Estelle!

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katbron March 7, 2013 at 5:25 pm

Ha ha – loved that show – a very fitting tribute. And congrats to you my friend – wish I lived closer to go see the show!

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Shari March 8, 2013 at 2:24 am

Me too, Kath. And then our pugs could have a playdate and the adorableness would abound.

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Anna Lefler March 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm

Cheers on the outstanding cast list for your show – it’s gonna be great (obviously)!

And I love your ODAAT scene. Har. I loved that show, too. I always thought Schneider’s tool belt was kinda sexy. (Wait, did I say that out loud or just think it?)

XO

A.

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Shari March 8, 2013 at 7:01 pm

Say what out loud?

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space jam jordans houston tx April 28, 2013 at 9:21 am

Awesome post.Much thanks again. Cool.

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