I have resurfaced.
Because I know you check here every single day to see what brilliance hath flowed from my pen, you may have noticed that I haven’t been around much lately. But it’s for a good reason.
I have been deep in auditions and casting for Listen To Your Mother, the incredible showcase that will be performed on Mother’s Day, May 12, at Symphony Space in New York City and in 23 other cities on or around that date. If you’ve never heard of Listen To Your Mother, go here and breathe in the awesome.
Tickets are already on sale, so if you live anywhere near Manhattan and looking for something to do with your Mom on the big day, come on out. I guarantee big laughs, big tears and a lot of nodding heads, “I get it, I get it.”
In other news…
I felt a pang of sadness the other day when I heard that Bonnie Franklin died.
“One Day at a Time” was such a part of my adolescence; what teenaged girl didn’t want to be Valerie Bertinelli? A love for Ann Romano and her tribe was something that I shared with the members of my old improvisation troupe The Sewer. (I can’t quite remember where we came up with that name, something about “underground comedy”, I imagine.)
In honor of Bonnie’s passing, I would like to include a portion of the “One Day at a Time” spoof I wrote for The Sewer, in which I did a mighty fine Ann Romano imitation, if I do say so myself.
The set-up is that the character of Larry is obsessed with 70′s sitcoms and one night he has a terrible nightmare in which he wakes up in Ann Romano’s apartment in 1977.
This one’s for you, Bonnie.
Larry is snoring. In black, we hear the theme music to “One Day at a Time”. Larry sits up in bed, startled. Ann, Barbara and Julie enter and act out the opening credits montage. Larry watches, bewildered.
Ah, my feet are killing me. Who would have thought that being a divorced woman with two teen-aged girls would take such a toll on the body?
Laugh track. Larry jumps, startled, and searches for the source of the laughter.
Oh, Mom, that is so unfair! You would blame all your problems on us!
Mom, Julie, stop it! I’ve got a dynamite new boyfriend coming over and you two are just going to run everything!
Aw, kids, let’s not fight. I already have a lot of harbored guilt about being a divorced woman with two teen-aged girls and when we fight, it just makes me feels rotten.
BARBARA AND JULIE
They hug. Audience soundtrack “Awwww….” Julie notices Larry.
Mom! Who’s the guy in the pajamas?
Well, girls, I’m not going to lie to you. This is the 70′s and I am a divorced woman, after all. Julie, Barbara, this is Larry.
How did you know my–!
Mom! How could you?!
Aw, Larry, I didn’t want the girls to find out about us like this!
Audience laugh track. Larry looks startled that he has made a sitcom joke. Ann gives him a suggestive look.
Last night it was “Ann”. Remember?
Listen, I don’t really understand what’s happening here, but I have to go.
Ah… okay. No, that’s fine. Just let me ask you one thing–is it because I’m a divorced woman with two teen-aged girls?
No! No, it’s just that–I’m married!
And I thought you were gonna be my new Dad!
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m failing everyone!
He runs for the door. Before he can get out, Schneider enters.
Hey, Ms. Romanoooooo!
Oh, no! God, no!
A little birdie told me that one of you ladies had a sleep-over last night!
Audience laugh track
Who’s the lucky broad?
Audience laugh track, louder
Must be the gay divorcee!!
Audience laugh track and applause. Larry puts his hands over his ears.
Oh, God, make it stop, make it stop!
Aw, Schneider, I’m not so lucky. Larry here is married.
Married?! Why, I oughtta cream you, buddy!
I oughtta take you apart!
I oughtta… use this!
He pulls out a gun
Hey… hey! That’s a real gun!
What did ya think I was gonna use, a toilet plunger?
Audience laugh track. Schneider hands gun to Ann, pushes Larry into a chair.
Help! Help! Bonnie Franklin from “One Day at a Time” is going to shoot me!
You wish. That’s too quick and easy for slime like you. We’re gonna kill you the long, slow, torturous way. Girls!!
Julie and Barbara run in dressed as Elton John and Kiki Dee. Music starts for “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”. Larry screams.
No! No! Anything but that!
JULIE AND BARBARA
(singing) “Don’t go breaking her heart… you wouldn’t if you knew… the punishment for this crime…. was that we’d sing to you…”
Lights go down on Larry screaming and screaming.