I’m a millionaire!

by Shari on December 7, 2012

 

 

I wish to notify you that late Mr. Rolf Hoffmann made you the sum of ($12,030,000.00) in his WILL. Reply to benlawfirm005@yahoo.com
I await your prompt response.
Yours in Service,
Ben Cooper Esq

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Dear Ben Cooper Esq,

How thrilling, Ben! I hope this response is prompt enough and you didn’t have to await too long. I almost missed your email, as it was right smack in between the email offer of a moderately priced forklift and the email from my husband saying that he was in Wales and lost his wallet and needed someone to wire him money to come home. And now I can!

I will be honest with you, Ben, and with Elizabeth Williams, whom I assume is your secretary at Ben Law Firm 005; I really don’t have any recollection of meeting late Mr. Rolf Hoffmann. I am searching my memory, trying to recall any interactions with wealthy Germans on whom I would have made such a lasting impression that they would mention me in their WILL.

There was that frighteningly blue-eyed old man that worked behind the deli counter at A&P who always asked me if I would like to order the weinerschnitzel, and when I would politely say “Not today”, he would counter with “Morgen morgen nur nichte heut sagen alle faule leute.” (“Tomorrow, tomorrow, not today, is what all the lazy people say”). I’m thinking that this was not Mr. Rolf Hoffman for two reasons: 1. I’m pretty sure A&P pays minimum wage, and 2. Mr. Hoffman certainly would not have made me the sum of ($12,030,000.00) if he thought I was lazy.

But all this is neither here nor there, what matters is that whomever late Mr. Rolf Hoffman was, he knew that I am an intelligent and savvy lady worthy of his millions, and so I will be sending you all of my personal information as soon as possible, including my bank account/social security number, and a large amount of my own money to expedite the disbursement of my inheritance. I’ll be sending that as soon as I receive the wire transfer from the Nigerian Prince with my portion of the West African riches that I helped him retrieve.

Thanks for being Mine in Service, Ben Cooper Esq, you darling. Love to Liz.

Dusty

PS. Here is a picture of what I’m going to buy when I’m a millionaire:

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

Anna Lefler December 7, 2012 at 2:07 pm

You look even prettier than usual today, Dusty. And your hair has extra sheen and obvious manageability.

Can I borrow some lunch money?

XOXO

A.

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dusty earth mother December 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Dear Anna Lefler Esq, the check is in the mail. It will be wrapped around a bottle of Garnier Fructis Mousse so that your hair can be extra manageable like mine. Yours, Dusty.

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Shannon December 7, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Great! Now you can buy that forklift.

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dusty earth mother December 7, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Yes! I will soon own some buildings that will need to be moved.

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Kristin December 7, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Crap! I think I knew this guy as well. I better undelete that email!

When we’re millionaires, we should totally get a reality show together. Me acting cool on my iPad and you swinging your diamond encrusted Pug keychain around your finger not unlike the way a lifeguard swings his whistle. Man, we would be so cool.

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dusty earth mother December 7, 2012 at 5:47 pm

We’re already cool, but we’d be a lot cooler if we were painfully rich.

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Trickiewoo December 12, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Aw. I just get ones inviting me to meet senior singles in my area. How did I get on that mailing list?!

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dusty earth mother December 12, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I guess you’re more senior single material than millionaire material. Sorry. What a shame.

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