I’m a Hooker. How ’bout you?

by Shari on December 10, 2012

There is a famous old saying, “All graceful people are alike; every clumsy person is clumsy in her own way”. Or something like that.

Let me tell you a bit about my brand of clumsy.

I fall a lot. I have some spiritual theories about my tendency to fall flat on my face every time I have an arrogant thought, but there is also the physical reality that I have very small feet and a very large head, which does not make for great balance.

Falling is not an uncommon form of clumsy, however; a lot of people fall down. But not a lot of people are “hookers”. Bear with me.

No matter where I am or how slowly or quickly I’m moving, if I’m passing a hook, nail, doorknob, branch, chair arm, or protruding corner, some part of my person will get snagged on that hook, nail, doorknob, branch, chair arm or protruding corner, and I will be yanked back unceremoniously, arms waving wildly, feet madly dancing to regain equilibrium,  and mouth making this sound: “WoooooOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHH!!!”

I’m not kidding. It happens at least once a day. Often more.

We have a swinging gate at the base of our stairs that we use to keep the pugs on the first floor. The latch never worked, so we use a little bungee cord with a hook to keep it closed. Nearly every time I come down the stairs, I get caught on that hook. And every time, I fume and bluster and mutter and yank my sweater/tee-shirt/fashionable scarf/purse strap/hair off of the hook and say brilliant things like “Stupid hook!” and “Why do we still have this hook?!” and “Holy God in heaven, what is wrong with me?!”

I wish I could say that I only get hooked on the stupid hook on our stairs, but I would be lying. There is also a doorknob on our bedroom door that’s straight out of The Godfather 3, because every time I try to leave, it pulls me back in.

And then there was today.

My husband had arranged this lovely platter of candies for some guests we had coming over:

I’m not going to say anything about the potentially dangerous glass-on-glass action we’ve got going here. Because that shouldn’t matter. Except, of course, if you’re a hooker.

As I picked up this platter to move it from the breakfast bar to the counter, I passed over the stovetop and somehow, somehow, I managed to get my sleeve caught on one of the very flat, very non-protruding, very un-hook-like range grates (note: this is actually not even physically possible according to most scientists, earning it the title of “anomaly”).  And then you know how the rest goes. Yanked back unceremoniously, hands madly grabbing at the little dishes that were zooming off the glass platter like greased weasels, candies flying and bouncing, and mouth going “WooooOOOOAAAAHHHH!”

And then the inevitable, eternal wail, “Holy God in heaven, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!”

I hope you will all say “nothing”. I hope you will say “I do that, too”. I hope you will say “It’s because you’re moving quickly, because you’re a mom and you have a million things to do and about three minutes to do them, and we totally understand and empathize.”

Because that will make me feel so much better tomorrow when I’m finding waterlogged candies in the dogs’ drinking bowls and when I’m hanging by my belt from my bedroom door and when I’m cutting off my hair to dislodge myself from the bungee cord at the bottom of the stairs.

It’s hard out there for a hooker.

 

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Alexandra December 10, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Gaah!!

Never realized!! I’m a hooker, too!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, Dusty…

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Shari December 10, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Oh, Empress, that does my heart good. Thank you for admitting it.

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Kristin December 10, 2012 at 5:10 pm

It’s because you’re moving quickly, because you’re a mom and you have a million things to do and about three minutes to do them, and I totally understand and empathize.

“greased weasels.” That made me snort a little.

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Shari December 10, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Bless you, my dear, bless you.

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Mary Clare December 10, 2012 at 7:25 pm

Hooker, you say? Never thought to put it that way. And I also have a lot of large bruises from running into random objects.

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dusty earth mother December 10, 2012 at 8:08 pm

We’ll call you Randomizer, Mary.

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Shannon December 10, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I am not a hooker. But I do bang my head a lot. I guess that makes me a headbanger?

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dusty earth mother December 10, 2012 at 8:09 pm

HB for short, Shannon.

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Nancy Davis Kho December 10, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I think that makes me a Knocker. I knock my knees into every hard surface in this house, repeatedly, even when they are far higher or lower than my actual knees. I’d probably have kneed the candy dish into the back bedroom.

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dusty earth mother December 10, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Like I said, Nance, every clumsy person is clumsy in her own way. If you ever come to visit, remind me to remove all hard objects from ankle height to neck.

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James Christian Jr December 11, 2012 at 12:39 am

I just came from the subway to the Apple Store on the UWS. Coming out of the turnstyle, my bag thought it an amusing gag to hook on the the turnstyle and YANK me back almost in the the next person coming out!
- Fellow Hooker!

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dusty earth mother December 11, 2012 at 12:51 am

Oh, Fellow Hooker, so nice to hear it!

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Ann December 11, 2012 at 3:14 am

Not a hooker, but I’m a flail-er with every appendage available to me.

BOi-YOi-Yoiiiiing!

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dusty earth mother December 11, 2012 at 11:43 am

Flail on, my dear one; even your appendages are precious to me.

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Darrin December 11, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I am going to pull out “Occam’s Razor” on this one!
“other things being equal, a simpler explanation is better than a more complex one.”
my answer is: It’s because you’re moving quickly,
my suggestion is: after the first hook of the day, stop, look to the sky, breath deep (hold hands out to your side with thumb and index finger together, say “Holy God in heaven, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!” as calm as possible, them say ohmmmmmmmm, and dream of day 7 (the day of napping).

and then feel free to go hook something else!!!

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dusty earth mother December 11, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Can I tell you how much I’m enjoying your responses these days? Please promise to never stop. Ohmmmmmmmmm…

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MH December 12, 2012 at 2:49 pm

First time poster, long time reader. I am a Bumper. If it’s there to be run into, I will run into it. Unfortunately, I am also a Bruiser. Not a promising combination. I’m pretty sure that my leg is permanently injured from repeated contact with the footboard of our bed. I feel your pain!

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dusty earth mother December 12, 2012 at 7:33 pm

So nice to meet you, Bumper/Bruiser! Weeping for you.

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Trickiewoo December 12, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I have ruined so many coat pockets that way. More recently its been my earphones, they get brutally yanked from my ears.

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dusty earth mother December 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Torn earlobes and pockets are not going to make you popular with the seniors, Trickiewoo.

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Lady Jennie December 14, 2012 at 1:49 pm

You would so hate the doors in France. There are no knobs, there are handles. L shaped things asking to catch something – anything! Any part of your person.

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dusty earth mother December 14, 2012 at 5:22 pm

France sounds like my idea of clumsy hell. But you do have great cheese, which makes it all even in the end.

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Anna Lefler December 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

As someone who has a really large noggin AND feet like snowshoes, I can tell you that having that combo is no help at all in the hooking department. I’d rather have your dainty peds any day.

And next time I see you, if you throw candies at me, I will just pretend you’re offering me snacks. At high speeds.

XOXO

A.

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dusty earth mother December 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm

But what a beautiful noggin! And feet of strength and purpose! I throw candies to honor you!

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