A Nauseating Story, Well Told

by Shari on November 20, 2012

Warning: if you tend toward the queasy, you may want to stop here and go look at photos of kittens on Facebook.

Oh, you’re sticking around? Okay, then.

Hi! I’m here to offset the disgusting mental images you’re going to have while reading this post!

There is a certain sort of madness that comes in the wake of a storm. Particularly a storm with the gentle misnomer of Sandy. And while we remain grateful that our situation is not worse and we understand that so many others are dealing with so much more, I gotta say, it’s been pretty PsychoBatGuano.

We were leaping with glee three days ago when we finally got a new hot water heater, because we’ve been showering at my gym for two weeks and they’re getting tired of seeing us come in all sweaty and dirty with non-exercise, unpaid-for sweat and dirt. Oh, the glories of a home shower–the warmth! The water pressure! The respite from our freezing cold house ’cause we still don’t have heat ’cause our furnace still isn’t working ’cause the parts are back-ordered ’cause everyone in our town needs parts for their furnaces!

Except when we went to take a shower last night, we had no hot water again. Because PSE&G came by while we were at church and turned off our gas.

Did you catch that phrase “while we were at church”? Seriously, PSE&G, how unspiritual can you get?

They did leave us a note, however. Which basically said, “Howdy folks! Listen, until your city officials can inspect your gas lines, we’re just going to make sure you don’t sue us if your house blows up due to Sandy damage, so we’re going to turn off your gas so that you can no longer shower, cook, wash your clothes, dry your clothes, or stay warm. Oh, you don’t have a furnace anyway? Well, heck, then this isn’t a major inconvenience!”

Except, you know, it is. Especially since my kids really really needed a shower in order to attend school and not come home with nicknames like Stinky McStinkerson and Little Miss Smellsalot. Due to our sporadic showering and dubious laundering, my spawn were already on the verge of pungency and this might just push them over the edge. Not to mention the funk that was the inevitable outcome of all six of us sleeping in one room every night, the room with the space heater.

Yes, six. Including the pugs, of course.

Do you recall that certain madness I spoke of, the kind that comes after a storm? Only that madness could lead to my husband sleeping on couch cushions on the floor while I sleep in a bed with both my children, a snoring young pug, and a snoring, flatulent, geriatric pug that struggles with fecal incontinence.

I’m back! Just letting you know that it’s going to get very unpleasant from here on out and you may want to jump ship! Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you!

I awoke this morning with this thought in my head: “I hope my children aren’t too smelly at school today.”

My second thought was: “I think they’re going to be very smelly at school today. Because I’m pretty sure that horrible smell I’m smelling is from my pug pooping in the bed. Which means that my children are probably rolling in it.”

My third thought was: “Well, I think we’re okay, because I’m pretty sure that sound is my other pug eating the poop.”

My fourth thought was: “Jesus? I’m ready. Beam me up.”

But, you know, just in case he doesn’t, would any of you like to come to Hoboken and rescue me? Um… bring Lysol.

 

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Kana November 20, 2012 at 1:26 am

Jinkies – if it hadn’t been for the kitten, I don’t think I would have made it! Wise beyond it’s years – and so literate, too.

Hang in there! Lysol – and maybe other hallmarks of civilization, like heat – are on the way!

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Shari November 20, 2012 at 3:18 am

I need as many hallmarks of civilization as I can get, Kana, thanks. xxoo

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Anne (@notasupermom) November 20, 2012 at 3:02 am

Oh, honey. I’d hug you, but…

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Shari November 20, 2012 at 3:19 am

I know, Anne–I wouldn’t hug me either. *gag*

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Stephanie November 20, 2012 at 3:18 am

I’ll bring Lysol, Febreze – whatever you want. Even train fare to come up here and shower. No charge. Hope everything’s warm, wet, and clean very soon!

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Shari November 20, 2012 at 3:20 am

Thanks, Stephanie. Febreze, stat.

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Shannon November 20, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I am so sorry for all of the crap you are going through. (Oh my, that wasn’t even on purpose)

Seriously, hang in there.

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Shari November 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm

See? You just instinctually know how to make poop jokes. I like that in a girl.

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Lady Jennie November 20, 2012 at 2:38 pm

The reappearance of the kitten totally cracked me up.

Your situation, however, did not. I’m sorry duckie – especially because we were only out of heat and water for one night. I with I could take on some of your pain. Not the dog poop – some other part.

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Shari November 20, 2012 at 5:12 pm

You may be taking on the dog poop part shortly. Not that I’m wishing that on you or anything.

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Ann November 20, 2012 at 2:42 pm

You are so damned funny, and I am SO damned sorry.

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Shari November 20, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Thank you. And I appreciate the pity. I really, really, really do.

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Alexandra November 20, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Thank you for the kitty … though he did make me feel an itty bitty bit better, still didn’t take the edge off of my disappointment that you’re all still without so much.

How I wish I could pick you up and bring you here and love on all of you, Dusty.

xo

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Shari November 21, 2012 at 2:27 am

Come get me, Empress.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes November 21, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Omg that IS a load of crap to deal with!
I really hope you get everything up and running again very soon.

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dusty earth mother November 22, 2012 at 1:28 am

Thank you, Tinne. xxoo

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Nancy November 22, 2012 at 1:27 pm

I just have one question: how did you know that kids used to call me Stinky McStinkowitz? (The Jewish-y version of McStinkerson) Seriously.

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