First of all, I would like to thank my dear friend, the brilliant Anna Lefler for letting me borrow her phrase "festival of menses" for my post-conference title. It's from her wildly funny book The Chicktionary, which every woman should own, nudge nudge, and she kindly handed it over when I told her I couldn't think of a more appropriate title for my experience at BlogHer '12.
Because it was.
A Festival.
Of.
That.
I was truly, madly, deeply honored by being chosen a Voice of the Year in Humor for this post. Head on over there to read/cringe/weep/suffer with me and then come back. I'll wait.
Dum dum de dum, la la la, baby baby baby oh, falling from Cloud Ni–ine–
Are you back? Awesome.
So, reading that tragic tale to a huge group of women and a few brave men was simply the most fun I've ever had in my life. And I've had a pretty fun life.
And then afterward. Oh, the love. Oh, the encouragement. Oh, the empathic femininestrual horror stories.
Here are just a few:
"I was wearing a white dress at my graduation. A white dress with a big red splotch on the back. And I walked across the stage to get my diploma."
"I destroyed my best friend's mother's couch. DESTROYED."
"I went to meet an ex-boyfriend at a fancy restaurant to try to get some closure. I got closure, all right. He had to give me his shirt to wrap around my waist so I could walk out of the place without complete humiliation."
Whispered in my ear: "I have paper napkins stuffed in my underwear right now."
And my personal favorite, told to me by Anne Flournoy of the fantastic web series The Louise Log with full permission to use her name:
"I was in a jury selection process for the trial of Thomas Gotti and I was trying to get out of it due to a 'physical ailment', attempting to whisper to the judge about what was going on. This judge just happened to be blind and kept demanding that I speak loudly about why I needed to leave. Finally I said in a very loud voice "Menstrual flooding!" And boy, did that blind man blush."
Of course, all of the stories relayed to me were followed by a sympathetic and admiring, "Bad as it was… at least it didn't happen to me at the Spelling Manor."
Yes. I possess that distinctive badge of womanhood.
I have much more to say about BlogHer '12. And I'll say it, because I obviously have no problem oversharing, ahem, sharing. But for today, I just want to thank all the incredible women who laughed at/with me on Friday and thank them for their stories. Because you made me laugh right back.
So what's your best/worst "female" story? Come on, we're all friends here.
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And if you liked this post, head over and Like "Earth Mother just means I'm dusty" on Facebook. What have you got to lose? Except your dignity and street cred.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG..how did I not know you won for THAT post!?!? I love that story and tell it to all sorts of friends (and perhaps some strangers).
Congrats again. Sounds like a lovely time!
1983. White Chic jeans. At school.
You were wonderful. Thoroughly enjoyed your reading.
my 8th grade parochial school uniform. I remember having to make the walk of shame in it up to my teacher’s desk, then down to the principal’s office, where at least they called my mother to come get me. My first menses, and certainly unforgettable.
You were absolutely fantastic at BlogHer!
You made me laugh so hard: It all began with “look up look up look up LOOK UP” power thoughts sent Tori’s way.
From then on, it turned into hyperventilation and tachycardia.
What a way to go, THANK YOU!
Funny funny funny story in print, and funny to the 10th power when read aloud. Fantastic. Thank you. It was a pleasure meeting you at the estrogen festa, but I forgot to ask: has Tori been in touch about the missing hand towel?
Not only did you WRITE a hysterically funny piece, but you read it SO SO well. You, my dear, are the real deal. Fan-frickin’-tastic.
Oh my goodness Shari! I am honored to have my little moment shared in the light of your incredible reading of your hilarious piece. hiLARIOUS. Have to second Alexandra’s reaction to your reading: “hyperventilation and tachycardia”. So great to witness first hand your writing and acting shining together!
I wish it had happened to me at the Spelling mansion. I really do. You were awesome!
You’ve broken the taboo by talking about this topic at length. Good for you! All of us women can relate in one way or another to all these embarrassing experiences. The older I get, the harder I bleed and the worse the cramps are. I’ve bled through way too many clothes to mention them all.
In jr. high my girlfriends and I had just started getting getting our periods and one of us had it all the time. We used to call pads “apples” and tampons “bananas” so we could say it in front of anyone. One of the funniest things was tossing a “banana case” down the hallway.
It was freshman year of high school. Memorial Day Parade route down Main street, which was lined with what seemed like every single resident in town. Me? I was the one in the marching band with the flute in my hands, the “Oh shit” expression on my face and the white jeans with the rather large, odd red stain trailing down the leg.
Oh. my. sweet. Lord. The white Chic jeans and parochial uniform had me rolling, but the walk down Main Street with a flute had me gasping for breath. Mod Mom. Seriously. LOVE.
White carpet in the department store dressing room. I thought they were going to have to call 911 as it looked like a crime scene.
I so loved meeting you this weekend. xo
Honesty makes the best humor, so thanks for the bloody truth!
Seriously, though, you really deserved to be a Voice of the Year for sharing that hilarious/painful story. It’s one of the first ones I read when I came to your blog.
Some months ago I unexpectedly started my period at the office, it was gross enough to make me ditch my underwear and go commando for the rest of the day, including several meetings.
Nice, Tinne. Your bare-bones story (or bare-bottomed, shall we say) may be my favorite so far.
I hope you can sense the VERY HEAVY FLOW of congratulations and cheers coming from this end of the country right now! Woot!
I’m so happy for you – and this is a much-deserved honor indeed. (And speaking of honor, thanks for the link-up and menses shout-out. Heh.)
I flap my extra-absorbent wings in your direction, my dear!
XOXO
Anna
Thank you for the OUTPOURING of love, my friend. I will GUSH right back at you. xxoo
The post and your reading of it were absolutely fabulous (not almost!). I was laughin so hard I came close to having a story about peeing in my pants while watching VOTY at BlogHer. Thankfully, I’ll have to come up wth some better material.
Thanks, Katie. Guess that wouldn’t have made a particularly fabulous post. Except to me
I can’t believe I missed your reading. I was on the other side of New York (or maybe of few blocks away, I have no sense of direction) and didn’t make it back in time for the readings. Regardless I’m in awe of you and all of the others who stood up to read. I would be as scared as the day I woke up in my new fiance’s bed and looked down to see what looked like sheets from a murder scene beneath us.
Aaaah…yes. The menstrual talk! Yep! Gross me out before I want to eat!! Thanks, RED!!
Congrats on the Voice Of The Year!!!
Congratulations!
And next time the kids have selective hearing remind them you’re the Voice of the Year, so listen up!
Brilliant idea, Trickiewoo!