Maybe I’ll wear a bra made of seashells.

by Shari on July 17, 2012

Mermaid

Something very peculiar happens to me when we take a vacation at the beach.

I suddenly want to get my navel pierced. And have racehorse thighs. And be very very very tan.

But that's not the strange part. I think many people want to be saucily pierced and glowy and well-thighed at the beach. The strange thing is what I suddenly want to purchase from the little shops around the beach.

1. Knick knacks made of shells.

You won't appreciate the oddness of this desire unless you know how much I LOATHE and DETEST knick knacks. My husband is the tchotchke king and I spend a good part of the time he's at work cooking up devious schemes to make his figurines from the 1980's disappear forever. So when I'm squealing over the clearance price of a Conch Shell Toothpick Holder, something has gone terribly wrong in my soul.

2. Wind chimes.

Is there anything more lovely than the sound of wind chimes during the ten minutes I amble through a little shop near the beach? Is there anything more grating than the sound of wind chimes for twenty-four straight hours in my back yard?

3. Henna tattoos.

What is it about the beach that makes me want to have a sunburst emblazoned on my lower back? Trust me, this is not an area of my body that I want to call attention to unless I'm sticking it in my husband's face and pleading: "Massage". And have you ever seen one of those lacy henna tattoos on a woman's palm after about three days? It looks like she drank chocolate fondue from her hands and forgot to wash up.

4. A ship in a bottle.

It must be the artiste in me that is drawn to the craftsmanship of this item. And while I really do appreciate someone taking the time and care to create this teeny-tiny sailing vessel, I don't really want it in my home. Mostly because I'm afraid of teeny-tiny pirates.

5. A carving of Jesus from a piece of driftwood.

I love Jesus, this I know, but a Driftwood Jesus scares me so.

6. A toe ring.

I must confess, this is an item that I not only covet at the beach, but have actually purchased a number of times. And every time I'm reminded that a.) Toe rings hurt like a motha when you have shoes on and b.) If you're going to spend money on a ring, buy one that accentuates your lovely slender fingers, not one that highlights the stubby digits that God gave you for balance, not beauty.

7. A lollipop with a dead scorpion inside.

Every time I see one of these, a little voice says "So gross! So cool! The kids would love them!" And so I speak back to that little voice and say "But what if it's not really dead but instead is in suspended animation like the mosquitoes in Jurassic Park and once released will sting your tongue and paralyze you and then they make a movie about your candy paralysis starring Jeff Goldblum?" Not that I'm overthinking it or anything.

8. A sarong.

So right. And yet, saWrong.

 

 

 

photo credit: PrincessAshley via photo pin cc

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Ann July 17, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Sawrong. Yes. (cuddles driftwood Jesus)

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tara July 17, 2012 at 6:29 pm

I have not seen a driftwood Jesus before!?! I am fascinated …
And I must confess that I love me some Henna. So much that I bought my own Diy kit. I only did my foot so far but I have grand plans….lol

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suburbancorrespondent July 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm

The only women who look good in sarongs are the women who don’t need them as a cover-up in the first place.

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Alexandra July 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Dying dying dying.
Sawrong.
Anyway, dear Dusty: what vacation does to you, listening to Flo Rida does to me.
Sooooometiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimes Igetafeeling.

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The Flying Chalupa July 17, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Did Alexandra just sing Flo Rida????? Whoa.
This post is HILAR! Oh, driftwood Jesus – made me giggle. And SaWrong.
Dude, you don’t need no help tellin’ a joke.

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Kir July 18, 2012 at 5:39 am

you seriously just crack me up lady, but in such a good way, not SAWRONG. ;)
buy the toe ring, it’s sexy. ;)

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Chrisor July 18, 2012 at 11:01 am

You’ve summed up the beach souvenirs pretty well! I love the beach and all the collectibles. A lot of what’s available is incredibly tacky but if you search long and hard, you can find beauties! I’m a sucker for seashells, mermaids, etc. I went hog wild when we were down in Florida years ago. Your post reminds me it’s time for another beach trip! ;-)

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Jenners July 19, 2012 at 12:05 pm

It is the salt air that does it. It gets us all.

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Lady Jennie July 21, 2012 at 2:02 am

This post just cracked me up so so much.

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Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac July 21, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Seriously, those toe rings are a bitch. But yep, I’ve still got a few in my closet.

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Jessica July 23, 2012 at 11:28 am

Oh those toe rings are so hard to get off and walk in and the tan line from them is kind of yuck. You are hilarious.

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K A B L O O E Y July 30, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Woah, this is like the Jersey shore equivalent of that thing people get in Florence where they pass out in the Uffizi from seeing too much beauty.

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