Lou “The Gurgitator” Gagrig’s Famous Farewell Speech to Competitive Eating

by Shari on July 22, 2012

Hotdogs

Fans, for the past two weeks you have been reading about the bad break I got.

The Fates have dealt me a bum hand through no fault of my own and this here gastroparesis thingy is completely and lots unrelated to my sport and 100% not at all whatsoever connected to my having consumed forty-eight thousand Nathan’s Hot Dogs with dampened buns in a one-month training period ending in my triumphant obtainment of the Mustard Yellow International Belt. *genuflects, makes Sign of the Squeeze Bottle*

Yet today I consider myself the luckiest gurgitator on the face of this earth.

I have eaten enough hands-free pie to feed all the starving children of this planet and have never received anything but kindness and encouragement from you fans. Except for that hater in Minneapolis who went on a hunger strike to protest The Hooters Hot Wings Bowl XX and died. I hope Satan and his minions nibble on your stringy biceps for eternity because you totally didn’t understand the magnificent terrible beauty of my sport and because you suck. 

Fans, this mysterious and wicked unexpected ailment of abdomen paralysis that results from repeatedly stretching the stomach beyond capacity is utterly nonlinked to my training methods of consuming gallons of water so as to stretch my stomach to the point where it held 53.6 lobster rolls for the Hampton Beach Seafood Slog and thusly, I feel no compunction in accepting your tax dollars for healment since I don’t have health insurance since health insurance is for little sissy 9-to-5 single-cheesesteak-eating tools in suits who don’t want magnificent terrible beauty in their lives.

I feel proud to have competed in my magnificent terrible beautiful sport with real men who are so utterly not tools. Which of you wouldn't consider it the highlight of his career just to associate with “Gassy” Ray Gorka, the genius behind boiled cabbage training? Sure, I'm lucky. Who wouldn't consider it an honor to have known that smart student of Native American Fry Bread consumption, Inhales With Wolves? Then to have spent the next nine years with that outstanding leader, the winner of The Ultimate Jewish Slider Challenge, Abe “Balls of Brisket” Goldrich ? Sure, I'm lucky.

When the sponsors of the Glutton Bowl send you a gift of haggis – that's something.

When everybody down to the groundskeepers and the slop boys who cleaned up your reversal of fortune remember you – that's something.

When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter, saying “shaddup and let him chipmunk, we gotta pay the electric bill”, that's something.

When you have a father and a mother who work all their lives so you can win a trophy for eating butter – it's a blessing.

When you have a wife who spurs you on by screaming “override that gag reflex, Rudolph!” at the World Reindeer Sausage Eating Contest in Anchorage  - that's the finest I know.

So I close in saying that I may have had a tough break, but I have an awful lot to live for. Like my upcoming reality TV show “Gastroplasty!”, where surgeons perform a sleeve gastrectomy on my magnificent terrible beautiful distended gut.


photo credit: squidpants via photo pin cc

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Ann July 22, 2012 at 7:16 pm

You had me at healment. Okay, way before then.
So funny.

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Alexandra July 22, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Oh, Dusty.
You KILL me.
“Sure, I’m lucky. Who wouldn’t consider it an honor to have known that smart student of Native American Fry Bread consumption, Inhales With Wolves?”
*snort* Inhales with wolves. (Dying)

Reply

Lady Jennie July 24, 2012 at 5:23 am

So gross. Not rooming with you.
Just kidding. It’s gross but I love you.

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Anna Lefler July 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

I am bloated with admiration for this post.
XOXO
A.

Reply

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes July 27, 2012 at 4:11 am

Hilarious.

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K A B L O O E Y July 30, 2012 at 8:29 pm

Precious few could recognize the terrible beauty of this man — the oxymoronic “pretty ugly” man with the maw. What a senseless tragedy that the world will be without his art forevermore.

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