I absolutely love to travel.
I'm crazy for cars, trembly over trains, perky on planes. I love the journey, the destination, and even the ride home. I love hotels, B&Bs, tents, villas, cruise ships, house exchanges, houseboats, and treehouses.
In fact, I'd venture to say the only thing that's as genuine and enduring as my love of travel is my complete inability to pack anything I might actually need on the trip.
Dusty's 10 Packing Tips for People Who Want To Spend Their Vacation at Wal-Mart Buying Things They Forgot to Pack
1. Make lots of packing lists. Pack nothing that is on those lists. Instead, tip the clean contents of the laundry basket into your suitcase, zip quickly and hope for the best.
2. Carefully select jewelry for every outfit you plan on bringing. Forget to bring every one of those outfits.
3. If you're going to forget to pack anything, forget to pack clean underwear. Not only can you get away with not wearing any underwear at all, but also, washing that single pair of underwear out in the sink will make you feel like you're at a youth hostel, which will make you feel young again, which will make for a very lively vacation, which is what you intended all along, which means that in some backwards way, you're very smart. Also–
4. Wal-Mart sells underwear.
5. Conversely, if you remember to pack anything, remember to pack pants. You cannot get away with not wearing pants. Unless you're Lady Gaga. But then you'd have to remember to pack your crown, and if you can't even remember to pack underwear, are you really going to remember regal headware?
6. Find every liquid you have in your house and pack them deep in your suitcase in 3.5 oz. bottles. Because then you can say fun things to Security like "Come on! It's half an ounce! Are you really going to make me throw away all those bottles over half an ounce?!" Throw away all those bottles. Go to Wal-Mart when you reach your destination and buy bottles that are CLEARLY MARKED "Travel Size". Forget all those bottles at the hotel because even though they are CLEARLY MARKED "Travel Size", "Travel Size" happens to be the same size as the bottles of stuff they gave you at the hotel and everybody knows the stuff they give you at the hotel is crap. Repeat.
7. Don't forget to pack a $20 jar of Italian honey.
8. Don't forget to forget to bring the currency of the country you are traveling to, so that when there's a ten-hour train strike and you arrive in Paris after all the money exchange booths are closed, you can end up staying in the hotel of a madman wearing lederhosen.
9. Time all your prescriptions to run out three days into your trip. Unless it's your epileptic dog's prescription. Because that's just pathetic.
10. If you're traveling to the Erma Bombeck Writing Workshop, all you need to bring is your sense of humor! And hope that those awesome bloggers Marinka, Wendi, Ann, Alexandra, Nancy, Amy, Anna or Erin bring you some underwear.