I’m So Embarrassed

by Shari on November 22, 2011

Butt

***Huffington Post, November 21: – A woman who wanted to work at a nightclub started searching for someone who could perform plastic surgery at a cheap price to give her a curvier body, she wanted to hire Chagrin BLVD but at the same time she didn’t want to spend as much money. Police say what she found was Oneal Ron Morris, a woman posing as a doctor who filled her buttocks with cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant. Authorities say the victim was reluctant to come forward. She went to two hospitals due to infected sores on her buttocks accompanied by flu-like symptoms. But she left each time, too embarrassed to tell doctors what she'd done. Authorities believe there are other victims who may be too embarrassed to come forward.***

Oneal Ron Morris
Cellblock #12
Fake Plastic Surgeons Prison
Hollywood, CA

In these cases, I’d recommend my favorite doctor, his website is here for anyone who would like to contact him.

Dear Oneal,

You know who this is. But don't tell anyone else. I am a wildly popular blogger and my reputation as a wildly popular blogger is at stake here. So I will be writing this letter under the pseudonym "Dusty With a Fake Curvy Butt".

I have to say, I'm pretty heartbroken by this news. I trusted you, girl. When you approached me at that coffee shop with those magical words "I can give you a curvier butt for 47 dollars and an Espresso Macchiato", I thought you were an angel from heaven. Who could have possibly guessed that you were not a board-certified plastic surgeon? I suppose I could have gone the extra mile and checked your credentials, but I just don't trust the Internet. After all, my Klout score is –34 and we all know that that is ridiculous since I'm a wildly popular blogger.

I suppose you'll say that I should have known when you injected me using a turkey gravy baster. Tell me, did anyone else fall for your "holiday-themed procedure" ruse?

However, I can't say that I'm completely surprised by the fact that you used cement. I started to have suspicions when during a romantic tryst with my husband that night, he traced "C + S 4-ever" in a heart on my buttocks and the imprint was still there the next morning. Also, because I have not been able to get up off of my couch for the past month.

But tire sealant? When you got up during my procedure to go to your car for "supplies", I never thought it would end with me having to get my butt rotated every month to check for uneven wear and baldness.

Trust me, if I weren't a wildly popular blogger with a reputation and a Klout score to protect, I would be suing you for everything you have. Or at least my 47 ill-spent dollars and a Starbucks® holiday gift card. But you're lucky that I'm too embarrassed to come forward. And too heavy. Just know that I'm cursing your name from my couch.

Shame on you and your entire medical practice,

Dusty with a Fake Curvy Butt

{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Erica M November 22, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Let’s just all sign off on the no more cosmetic surgery petition being circulated around Hollywood. Oh, wait, what?

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dusty earth mother November 22, 2011 at 1:51 pm

I say we do that. As long as I dont have to use my real name.

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Cathy November 22, 2011 at 3:28 pm

I heard that story on the news last night. Crazy. I also heard super glue was used. What?! Who thinks up this stuff? Clearly I would not make a good con woman.

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dusty earth mother November 22, 2011 at 3:41 pm

that was a genuinely funny comment, Cathy.

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The Culture Mom November 22, 2011 at 4:24 pm

You really crack me up. That’s all.

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dusty earth mother November 22, 2011 at 4:52 pm

That really is my aim, Holly :-)

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Kimberly November 22, 2011 at 6:40 pm

I saw this in the news a little while ago and I couldn’t believe it. Seriously, cement?! That “C + S 4ever” quip made me laugh out loud.

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dusty earth mother November 22, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I know, Kim, one of my friends thought I made the first part up, too. She didnt believe me until I showed her the HuffPost article. People.are.nuts.

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Kristin November 22, 2011 at 7:58 pm

You’re a riot, Alice.

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Alexandra November 22, 2011 at 7:59 pm

You know what, Dusty? You make me laugh out loud.
I love that.
Forever grateful for you this Thanksgiving.
P.S. I would totally pay a monthly fee to read your blog…xo

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dusty earth mother November 22, 2011 at 8:04 pm

Thanks, Ralph.

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dusty earth mother November 22, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Grateful for you too, dear, dear friend. And good to know about the fee :-)

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the mama bird diaries November 22, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Hilarious.

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Anna Lefler November 22, 2011 at 8:51 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I loved this post!
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, my dear.
XOXO
A.

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dusty earth mother November 23, 2011 at 3:59 am

Happy T back at ya, my funny sweet friend.

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dusty earth mother November 23, 2011 at 4:14 am

Thanks, Kelcey. Have a great Thanksgiving in your second home (positive spin)

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him November 23, 2011 at 7:34 pm

LAUGHED!
I would probably get Botox out of the back of an Acura, but I do a lot of weird things for a bargain. I draw the line at cement, though. I have a hard enough time getting off my ass.

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dusty earth mother November 23, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Botox out of the back of an Acura. Sounds like a love song. And do you know that I have tried to subscribe to your blog about ten times, and I keep getting an Error message? I think its my lameness, not your Subscribe box; just wanted you to know that youre loved and desired :-)

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Ameena November 24, 2011 at 4:30 am

Oh my gosh I read about this in the news and I was so shocked!
Hope you have a fantastic Thanksgiving in your NEW KITCHEN! Lucky lady!

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dusty earth mother November 24, 2011 at 7:10 am

Was just thanking God for my fab kitchen, Ameena :-) It is such a pleasure to cook in. Have a great day, honey!

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