I’m About To Kill a Cow

by Shari on November 29, 2011

Got this email today:

  Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 12.13.33 PM


Oh yeah. Kinda forgot that I ordered a hit on a cow.

Was feeling mildly guilty about it. Then I got a second email:

Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 12.27.46 PM
 Hello Shari 
 Dickenson just informed me about the butchering. I wanted to write and let you know that there's no hard feelings. After all, what's more important, my life or a Christmas roast designed to impress your MIL? I think we both know the answer to that burning question, bovine butcherer. I have only one thing to say to you: I hope your husband gets transferred to India and then we'll see how your red meat hankerin' plays out. Until then, don't give a second thought to my calves, choking on the tears in their cud. Enjoy your Christmas and just know that I'll be taking this up with the Baby Jesus when I meet him. Pa rum pa pa pum, Little Drummer Biyatch.

The Cow




{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

Diana November 29, 2011 at 10:47 am

Oh. Oh my. Shari. That’s kind of… hardcore. Just how much of this slaughtered bovine will you be owner of? Please tell me that sweet soft nosed, gentle mooie isn’t meeting his maker for just a pound or two of burgers. Tell me this kind herbivore is being sacrificed for more than that or I’m not sure I can sit next to you on the playground today.
(I am a huge carnivore and eat beef with unbridled abandon so I’m not really aghast at Shari’s actions here. Just busting her chops er, steaks as it were)


Amber November 29, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Yowch. Well, look at it this way. If that dear sweet cow wasn’t being eaten by you, she’d just be eaten by some other, far less bovinely-aware family. Better to be eaten by someone who loves you than simply eaten…or something like that.


dusty earth mother November 29, 2011 at 12:14 pm

Just busting my steaks. heh heh heh heh.


dusty earth mother November 29, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I like the way you think, Amber.


Ami November 29, 2011 at 12:16 pm

What a bunch of male bovine fecal matter. Cows can’t type. Everyone knows that.
Be strong. Go through with it. Your muscles will thank you.


dusty earth mother November 29, 2011 at 12:26 pm

Now Im crying almost as much as Bessie. Thanks for the support, Ami.


Kimberly November 29, 2011 at 1:50 pm

“Male bovine fecal matter.” Brilliant, Ami!
My grandpa owns a dairy farm and has gradually switched mostly to beef cattle in the past 6-7 years (a lot less work, equal profit). When we were kids, he used to give us calves, let us raise them, and then when they were big, they disappeared. We never considered where they were going until he thought it would be funny to announce that Minnie Moo was the main entree one night… I was probably 6 or so, and I haven’t eaten beef since that day. Don’t mind helping process meat, though.


dusty earth mother November 29, 2011 at 1:58 pm

Thats a real Charlottes Web story, Kim.


Katbron November 29, 2011 at 8:22 pm

Enjoy your bovine feast! I’m with Amber – your feast is someone else’s treasure or something like that:)


dusty earth mother November 29, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Thanks, Kath. Ill let you know how the fresh cow tastes. *sob*


Anna Lefler December 1, 2011 at 7:32 am

Next you’ll be telling me that bacon doesn’t grow on trees.
I’m not listening! *fingers in ears* La-la-la!


Alexandra December 4, 2011 at 10:04 pm

What in the world????
I’m telling you..
I don’t know what circles you run in, or what petitions you’ve signed, Miss Activist lady.
Time to check your twitter follows.


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