I’m the “Before” picture

by Shari on May 10, 2011


Well, not me, exactly.


My kitchen.


Yet again, I've been trying for some "We've got enough money and enough courage" TV show to come in and fix my home. And I need one that will take pity on me, even though I am not a single mother, I have all my limbs, and I have not been wounded in any military conflicts. That I can recall.

I'm just a working mom with a nasty ancient kitchen, no organizational skills, no decorating taste, and a budget of about $32. Oh, wait, I took the bus. $28.80.

So yesterday my family auditioned for a television pilot for a network that shall remain nameless until we get the call that we're on the show. And I'll have to then read my contract to see if I can ever say what network it is or if I have to call it the BESM network, "Brave Enough for Shari's Mess".

If they take us, they will come in, film our horrifying "Before" kitchen, gut the place, and work their magic.

So when you're about to audition yourself, your family, your dogs and your home, what do you do?

Why, you go out that morning and buy paints for your kids! So that they can be covered in paint when the doorbell rings! And they can get paint on the camera guy, the camera, the architect, his plans, and anything else really really important that shouldn't have paint on it!

I know. I can't figure out why I did it either.

So, let's see… paint on the camera guy and his $5,000 camera–CHECK–accidentally leave the incredibly smelly trash bag in the foyer for when they enter–CHECK–son repeatedly turning on Michael Jackson full blast when painty camera guy is trying to film–CHECK–Girl Pug attacking shoe of camera guy and nearly biting through to his flesh–CHECK–Boy Pug farting loudly and continuously throughout shoot–CHECK–Mother blaming Boy Pug for continuous wafting odors–CHECK–Painty camera guy nodding and not buying it at all–CHECK, CHECK, CHECK.

Okay! Pretty sure we did everything possible to prove that we're 'real people'.

I'll let you know how it turns out. We should hear something by tomorrow.

In the meantime, I will leave you with this image:


"Feelin' kinda bad about dose farts. Hope de tv guys come back."

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Cindi Hartman May 10, 2011 at 1:11 pm



Trickiewoo May 10, 2011 at 2:06 pm

That’s reality TV gold right there.


Fred May 10, 2011 at 2:12 pm

I know a couple whose family was on “Wife Swap.” I wish I had seen that episode, because I met them afterwards. Tough to say how much was manufactured for TV in that case.


dusty earth mother May 10, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Wife Swap scares me silly. I hope a LOT of it is manufactured.


Jana@AnAttitudeAdjustment May 10, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Good luck! Get a new kitchen any way you can. Well, not any way. But a TV way seems good enough.


mep May 11, 2011 at 5:11 am

Fingers crossed! I would love to see Team Dusty on the small screen. I too dream of living in an “after”!


Alexandra May 11, 2011 at 9:09 am

Oh, you are so funny.
GOod luck, then send them my way.
I fear there’s 27 cat skeletons somewhere under all this Fischer Price.


Lady Jennie May 11, 2011 at 9:44 am

Oooooooooh I hope! I hope!
And we have an appointment with the bank to take out a regular ole loan for our kitchen. We need more brilliant ideas like yours.


dusty earth mother May 11, 2011 at 10:21 am

Team Dusty. Yeah, I love that. Funny Mep.


Jenners May 11, 2011 at 5:38 pm

That would be SO COOL if you got picked. You need to have Mama Rose stop by to make it all come together and ensure your spot … and perhaps your own TV series.


Ameena May 15, 2011 at 9:27 am

How awesome would it be if they picked you? I am crossing my fingers for you! I’ve known so many people who’ve applied for HGTV, etc. that it would be great to see that real people are actually chosen for these shows!!


dusty earth mother May 15, 2011 at 6:17 pm

Well, these real people did get picked, Ameena! We start filming Tuesday!


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