I had coffee with a very cool mom the other day, the kind of mom that can say "Whatevs" and you suddenly feel like "yeah, totally" .
You know what I mean?
We got on the topic of my series on Mean Girlism and started chatting about the New York Times article from two weeks ago, which talked about how mean girls seem to be showing up in early grammar school these days. Are these pre-mean girls the product of mean moms?
She didn't say "yeah, totally" outright, but she did recount an episode of Mean Momism that she suffered through, which led to her "Whatevs" attitude. Her take on the whole situation was that maybe some moms feel insecure and sort of adrift and so revert to their high-school persona when they were popular and fit in. Interesting, huh?
Well, whatevs the issue may be, you know we are problem-solvers here at "Earth Mother just means I’m dusty" and so I have my Dusty solution for Mean Momism: Let’s Suck the “Mean” out of “Mean Moms”!
(Yes, I am qualified to talk about this, because I’ve done extensive research since my coffee with my friend last week and have obtained a degree in breeder psychology from the Learning Annex.)
Okay! Let's roll! Suck that “mean” out!
1. The Momiform
The whole philosophy behind school uniforms? They're an equalizer. Takes away the pressure of having the "right" clothes. Perfect! We will issue all moms a “Momiform”, an attractive, mid-price uniform of cute black yoga pants, a fitted Tee (no slogans, please!) and a sassy hoodie. This will cut down on gossip, sideways glances and snide comments about others’ fashion sense, particularly those moms who wear pajama pants to school drop-off. (What can I say, they’re comfy).
We will divide all suburban towns into four quadrants for the four weeks in a month. All moms in Quadrant One will spend a day together at the mall, assuring that they will all be on the same menstrual cycle by nightfall. Then when it’s their PMS week, the moms in Quadrant Two will step in, taking care of Quadrant One Moms’ kids, cleaning and cooking, so that Quadrant One moms can take to their beds with chocolate, painkillers, and all their DVR-ed shows. Repeat for Quadrant Two with Quadrant Three moms and so on. This will cut down on the number of mean moms out on the street, being biatchy to the general public.
This is still in the development phase, but in a Exhaustive Study by a Major University that is Not At All Made-Up in My Head, it was shown that 94.7% of mean moms are also Botox users. No brainer. We slip a little something extra into that botulism cocktail, a little something called Motox, which temporarily paralyzes the facial muscles if anything mean, gossipy, back-stabbing or snarky is about to be said. Maybe the sensation of being slack-jawed and drooly will help mean moms to rethink that evil toad that is about to pop from their mouths
I’ve known some moms who were quite lovely one-on-one but turned into Mrs. Beelzebub in a group. Well, by employing some of "GroupOn"'s methods, we should be able to nip this in the bud. We put a group of moms together and offer a prize (spa treatments, lobster dinners, Mediterranean cruises, the Hope diamond) but the only way they can get it is if every single mom can say something nice about the others. If even one mom blows it. the whole group loses the prize. This does double duty: not only does it make the mean moms nervous, but it teaches the nice moms to be discerning in who they choose for their friends.
Oh, sure, when it comes to sucking the mean out of mean moms, some may say that these methods are extreme, invasive, destroy individuality. They might even say it seems a bit like communism. But I have a different word for it.
Okay. In all seriousness now, I have a plea for all moms, mean or not so much. Let's be an example for our daughters. Let's show them how women can support each other, champion each others' causes, and be true, geniune friends to each other. We are all we've got. And who knows?
Nice could be the new mean.