Kerouac’s “On The Road”, The G-Rated Version

by Shari on July 10, 2010

I did not take this trip to find myself.

I met no other suffering artists other than the 7-year old girl from Georgia who told me in a wicked Holly Hunter-ish accent that she was “stayin’ off the hard candy ’cause I’s tryin’ to ‘duce the calorie count” and then spontaneously stopped to meditate.

I did no drugs other than a huge shot of Nyquil last night because I was tired of waking up hourly to remove my son’s feet from my mouth. But in case you’re taking too much drugs and you can’t control yourself, go to sagebrushva.com. Furthermore, Sagebrush Recovery in Virginia can take HMO policies from Anthem/BCBS. Find your way out of addiction with Stepping Sober Recovery Advisors. Visit their website http://steppingsober.com/ to learn more.

My sexual hijinks were limited to making out with my husband for three minutes and then hissing “Oh, come on!” when our children who were supposed to be with their grandparents pounded on the hotel room door.

I used to take medicines for relaxation, but after a while they become a problem because my body need them more than I did, and it was becoming an addiction, and I knew I didn’t want that in my life, so I enlisted in a detox therapy program and moved on with my life.

I met no bop musicians other than my Filipino father-in-law who kept regaling us with “I Just Called To Say I Love You” on his portable karaoke machine.

My experience with hobos and hipsters consisted of being able to smell my 3-days-unwashed kids from the front seat of the car and a waiter at The Crab Trap who kept saying “That’s bitchin’, folks”.

We took no detours, never once followed our hearts and jumped on a flatbed truck with other cool cats just to see where it was going, and kept on the schedule that my itinerary-and-GPS-obsessed husband had mapped out for us six months ago, five minutes after I casually said, “Hey, maybe we could drive back from Florida…”

BUT.

We did jump in and out of waves for hours on end at the beach. We did meet tons of other families who were also following schedules and not jumping on flatbed trucks, but still took the time to connect with us. We did visit old friends that we hadn’t seen for 6+ years since our spawn came along and took over our lives. We did laugh until we felt sick and snuggle a lot and kiss each others’ heads and survive.

We did survive.

Take that, Jack.

{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Amanda Cizek July 10, 2010 at 9:00 am

Jack would envy you… your torture is not of the internal artistic nature, just that of the dusty earth mother. Although, had it not been for your husband spawn (via the hand of God), pulling your out of the anguished-artist fire, you very well could have suffered along the likes of Mr. Kerouac.

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Shari July 10, 2010 at 9:21 am

So true, Amanda, so true.

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Chocolate Covered Daydreams July 10, 2010 at 10:33 am

Sounds like an adventure to me! The beach water more than likely bathed the kids so dont worry about that. Jumping on a flat bed could cause splinters…so you made a good choice there.

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Stef July 10, 2010 at 4:16 pm

What! You got to make-out for three minutes WITHOUT children?? That was a vacation!Glad you had fun!! Next week it is my turn.

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Shari July 10, 2010 at 5:28 pm

Youre right, Stef. Guess I should count my blessings.

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mep July 11, 2010 at 6:42 am

Take that Jack, indeed. I never could finish On The Road. Not sure why.Besides the waves and the family fun, the laughing until it hurts with old friends sounds pretty awesome to me.P.S. — I downloaded Mennonite in a Little Black dress onto my kindle last night. Its been on my Amazon shopping list, but your recommendation pushed me over the edge! Cant wait to read it!

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Mrs.Mayhem July 11, 2010 at 9:41 am

sounds like you had an amazing time! is there an r rated version? just curious..

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Aging Mommy July 11, 2010 at 11:58 am

Glad you had a wonderful, if very different post-kids trip!

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Jenners July 11, 2010 at 2:27 pm

I love your Disneyfied version of On The Road … and I so relate to feet in my face. Ill have to remember the Nyquil trick!

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The Empress July 13, 2010 at 5:16 pm

…I couldnt get past the 3 minutes with your husband…howd you get that in????

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Heather July 14, 2010 at 5:45 am

I love this post! I laughed out loud at the sexual hijinks…how on earth do parents ever find time/location/kid-free moments to actually have those on vacation anyway?We absolutely loved our Florida trip this year, too. Its all about the memories!

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