Ten Things That Keep Me From Writing

by Shari on July 19, 2015

1. Life.

2. The downward slope of caffeine. I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned this, but I’m a delicate flower. At least when it comes to my reaction to any kind of stimulant/medication. Give me a thimbleful of Nyquil and I’ll sleep until next Tuesday; one snort of nitrous oxide at the dentist’s office makes me so insanely giddy and ridiculous that the hygienist credits me for the term “laughing gas”; and the high I get from a cup of joe would put any heroin addict to shame. The downside, of course, is the downslide. Unless I time my writing session exactly right (during the “I AM SO BAKED, SUCKAS, LET THE WORDS FLOW!!” portion of my buzz), pretty much all I can manage to do is weep over the bigness, whiteness, and blankness of the page.

3. I have not yet taught the pugs how to make dinner and do laundry.

4. Karaoke. We bought our daughter a karaoke machine for her birthday and every time I’m ready to sit down and write, I am waylaid by an amplified voice echoing through the house, “Mommy… report to the microphone, please…” And really, what does the world need more, another blog post or my Linda Ronstadt imitation of  “Blue Bayou”?* *rhetorical question

5. Non-ice cream-related Brain Freeze.

6. Getting paid to write. Okay, here’s a tricky one. All I ever wanted was for someone to actually pay me to write, and that has happened. My writing partner and I were recently hired to write a Disney Channel Original Movie, adapting a YA novel called “The Swap”. Awesome news and we are thrilled and thoroughly enjoying our job. However, now that I spend many hours at my computer crafting priceless and pithy prepubescent dialogue, I pretty much have nothing left at the end of the day. In other words, I am so way not on fleek by the dusk, that my bae tells me to shut it down before I post something that will cause me FaceRemorse.

7. Did you know that someone invented a Buffalo Chicken Wing Milkshake? And would I know these important things if I weren’t using my writing time to do research on the internet?

8. Because it’s summer vacation and if I don’t spend every single solitary free moment with my children, they will be parented by YouTube and become directionless, mindless, souless, hunched-shouldered blights on society. What? Too much?

9. My voice is changing. Not unlike “The Brady Bunch” Season 3 Episode 16 entitled “Dough Re Mi”, where Peter’s cracking and straining chords signaled his messy journey into vocal adulthood, I’m finding that everything I’ve attempted to write on this blog lately has suffered from a similar fate: squeaky, odd, and painfully ungroovy. I have approximately thirty or so half-written posts that will never see the light of day because they felt so false and forced. I finally have come to the conclusion that I’m in flux; like those kooky Brady kids, even though my plan was to sing “We Can Make The World A Whole Lot Brighter”, here I am instead, rasping out “Time To Change”. I’m not quite sure what lies ahead, but I just hope it’s something that will make Greg and Marcia happy.

10. Fear that I might use The Brady Bunch as a modern-day parable to explain my writer’s block. Uh-oh.

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In case you missed it, I was pretty thrilled to be published in one of my favorites mags, Brain, Child. Who knew that reading “The Runaway Bunny” to my small children approximately 4,000 times would eventually lead to something?


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