If you are familiar with the very popular screenplay how-to book, “Save The Cat!”, you will know about the concept of “Six Things That Need Fixing”.

For a screenwriter, these are the flaws or quirks you would write into the main character that subtly show themselves in the first act of a movie. Obviously, this makes the protagonist relatable, often provides some humor, and gives him/her somewhere to go, something to grow in during the course of the film. You don’t really need to have six, of course; three would be plenty.

Especially if the three are real knee-slappers.

A remarkable thing happened to me last week. I was hired to be a “script doctor”; to rewrite a screenplay for an independent film company. For real money. And when I say real money, I mean the kind of money that real people who work in real jobs make. For someone who has slogged away at her screenwriting career for years with limited success, being flown out to meet the director and scout the location of my new film was terribly exciting.

You know, except for my Three Things That Needed Fixing.

1. Snap-In Tooth.

A few days before I got the screenwriting job, my dentist yanked a tooth out of my mouth. I’ve written before about the hereditary gifts handed down from my father (dry sense of humor, cleft in chin, crappy teeth), but we’ve reached a new low when dentists are extracting teeth that are actually needed for chewing and smiling and not just wisdom.

I’m going to be getting an implant eventually, but in the meantime they outfitted my gaping smile-hole with something called a “Flipper”. Surprisingly, this is not a tiny version of the 1964 TV show dolphin, but rather a mini-denture; a little fake tooth that can be snapped in and out at will, depending on whether I want to look like myself or like someone who’s been hit in the face with a whiskey bottle during a bar brawl.

Sadly, wearing a Flipper isn’t nearly as much fun as it sounds. First, it appears to have a mind of its own, popping out when it darn well wants to and stubbornly resisting being replaced in a very un-friendly-dolphin sort of manner. Secondly, it is impossible to eat with it in, so I have to surreptitiously spit it into a napkin and chow down quickly, remembering not to smile for fear of making my fellow diners gag, and then snap it back in place without a mirror, resisting the temptation to trumpet, “And for my next trick…!”

So, this is all to say that when I entered my lunch meeting with the director and producer for the film I’m rewriting, I was dealing with Flipper and the Two Other Things That Needed Fixing:

2. Borrowed underpants.

Well, thankfully my tooth was snapped in and not in my luggage, because the airline lost my bag on my flight. I mentioned this (with a laugh that bordered on hysteria) at the producers’ party the night before my big meeting, and the 16-year old daughter of the PR guy took pity on me and stuffed a clean thong into my coat pocket on my way out.

Yes, I wore it.

3. Pee clothing.

And as if an obstinate fake tooth and the omnipresence of a stranger’s panties weren’t enough, I stopped in the ladies’ room on my way into the lunch and accidentally dropped the sash of my blouse into the toilet. Of course, I didn’t realize this at a point when I could have rinsed it out in the sink and dried it in 12 seconds with the Dyson Airblade hand dryer, but when I was walking to the table, waving at the director, and suddenly felt the thwap-thwap of something wet against my leg.

Is the protagonist relatable enough yet?

Or just pathetic?

You’ll be happy to know that in true movie fashion, I came through the lunch with flying colors. Oh, sure, the steady dripping of my urine-soaked sash was somewhat distracting, and I had some trouble paying attention to the talk about story structure because the 16-year old’s thong was riding up my 50-year old arse, but Flipper decided to have pity on me and stay put.

Although as a humor writer, I have to admit that I was a little disappointed that it didn’t suddenly fly out of my mouth and hit the director in the eye. I might have lost the job, but how great would that scene have been in my life movie?

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If you’ve ever wondered which character from The Golden Girls you are in one of those online quizzes, fret no longer! Just watch this NickMom video from me and Wendi Aarons!

 

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Do you see this?

You know what it is, right?

That’s right. It’s a Girl Scout Cookie Order Form.

A blank one, obviously.

Kind of like the Girl Scout Cookie Form in my home.

Which is not blank, in fact is so not blank that it holds the names of 100 people who ordered Girl Scout Cookies from my daughter, but kind of like the blank one you see here because I lost the form and have no idea who these people are and what they ordered, so it might as well be blank.

Oops. Sing it with me, Britney.

Three years ago, I lost my daughter’s Girl Scout Cookie Order Form and learned the hard way to always make a copy. Which I did the next year and the year after.

But this year I thought to myself, “Copy, schmoppy. I never lose things anymore. I haven’t lost my keys since my husband gave me the key hang-er up-er thingy, I’ve stopped putting my wallet on top of my car and driving away, I still have my umbrella from Hurricane Irene, and I kept one pair of gloves for almost the entire winter until my son borrowed them and lost them and that doesn’t count because even though he is my blood relation, he must have lost them due to a recessive gene from my husband’s side, because I never lose things anymore, as previously stated in this thought to myself.”

Too bad my husband didn’t give me a Girl Scout Cookie Order Form safety deposit-er box-y thingy.

In case you’re wondering, I already checked my t-shirt drawer and the laundry basket, because, holy cow, wouldn’t it be funny if I did that again? I would just fall out laughing, wouldn’t you? And how much funnier would it be if I fell out laughing rather than fell out in the stress-related teeth-gnashing way that I actually fell out when I realized that I had once again lost the freakin’ Girl Scout Cookie Order Form?

Does anyone know a good tattoo artist? Because next year, I’m having it inked into my flesh.

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All Hail My Erma Bom-Bust

March 18, 2014

Well, it’s that time again, folks! The time when I publish my non-winning Erma Bombeck essay and congratulate all the winners. Enjoy this and if you have time, hop over to my friend Ann’s hilarious also-non-winning essay on Ann’s Rants. Booyah! ********************************** 50 is the new 50 I just heard of a study that says [...]

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Worst Date Ever. Swear.

February 14, 2014

This tragic tale is part of the “Worst Date Ever” blog hop, started by the widely-dated Nancy Kho of Midlife Mixtape. See below to hop around and read other tales of woe. And here’s to marriage, btw. Oh, my friends, when I was presented with this topic, I had a veritable smorgasbord of cruddy evenings [...]

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My spice cabinet is judging me.

February 5, 2014

I found this in my spice cabinet yesterday. I thought it was bread crumbs. I needed bread crumbs and so I decided that these were bread crumbs. I went so far as to slice the raw chicken and dip it in egg, as if this bold act of poultry prep could will this to be [...]

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#WhereILivedWednesday 1st Street & 1st Avenue

January 23, 2014

This post is part of the series #WhereILivedWednesday started by my dear friend Ann Imig of Ann’s Rants, so head on over there and read all the memories of former domiciles. “First & First”, we called it. In 1990, the cross-street of First Street and First Avenue was not only not the hipster land it [...]

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Let’s get beautiful with the crap lying around your house

January 17, 2014

“Microdermabrasion”? With that many syllables, it’s gotta be good! Bargain Basement Beauty 3 on NickMom from me and the always smooth-skinned Wendi Aarons.   Get More: funny videos and explore all things funny, just for moms at NickMom

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Thanks so much for introducing our children to the Zombie Apocalypse

January 15, 2014

THE TOP TEN REASONS I’M PEEVED WITH MY HUSBAND FOR LETTING OUR CHILDREN WATCH “THE WALKING DEAD” MARATHON 10. I leave the house for ONE DAY IN THE PAST FOUR YEARS and this is what you come up with? 9. I distinctly recall saying “Play Monopoly”, not “acquaint our children with the infectious flesh-eating undead”. [...]

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Ring Around The Wha?

January 6, 2014

It seems that I have a mini female Tim Burton on my hands. Following the raging success of her horror novella, Good Luck Bella, my daughter has already changed her medium to film. I hope you will enjoy her “Ring O’ Roses”. Just don’t plan on sleeping tonight.

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A Little Bit Pregnant

December 21, 2013

We already know that one can be a lot pregnant. But there’s an old saying, “you can’t be a little bit pregnant”. I beg to differ. Oh, don’t get excited. We all know I’m not talking about my literal womb, since I’ve (unfortunately) frequently (with apologies) written about my menopausal state. You see, there are [...]

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